Four Rooms, Channel 4

Four Rooms (Channel 4) is a sexed-up Antiques Roadshow, and it returned for a second series to offer more average Joes the chance to flog treasures to four top dealers in art, antiques and collectibles. Played for moody drama in a sparsely furnished building, it’s Dragons’ Den with a film of dust on top and a hallmark stamped on the bottom. The opening episode was obsessed with celebrity memorabilia. Out of the five items, four had famous lineage: JK Rowling’s chair, Francis Bacon’s paintbrushes, the score for Hitchcock’s Psycho and a painting by Marlon Brando. The only one that didn’t was a 120-year-old dildo, which belonged to the seller’s grandmother. I inherited some porcelain from mine. Aren’t I the square? Black leather-clad Emma Hawkins – the sole female dealer and fans’ favourite – has departed, possibly to become a Bond villainess. Her replacement, glamorous interior designer Celia Sawyer, was all boingy blonde locks and slinky tailoring. For some strange reason, all the male sellers were drawn to her room first. “She’s all mouth and catsuit,” scoffed her rival, self-styled “maverick dealer” Jeff Salmon. You can tell he’s a maverick because he wears a scarf indoors and rolls dice to make deals. Posturing as Salmon was, he still provided the most entertainment. He didn’t so much negotiate as bark like a Jack Russell and seemed to speak in soundbites. “Bish, bash, bosh. You know what rhymes with poor? Door. Find it, mate.” He bought the Victorian sex toy for “£1111.11 and a kiss”. He and another seller ended up just yelling “B------ks!” at each other. You don’t get that when Fiona Bruce visits Winchester Cathedral.