Ayoon wa Azan (The art of stealing from people)

There are jobs that make those who perform them a locus of suspicion, such as bank manager, lawyer, or real estate agent. There are also jobs that impart trust to whoever performs them, as in the case of doctors, and men of religion. I have friends who are bankers and lawyers, and I find them to be very ethical and loyal. However, the problem is that that one percent can give the other 99 percent of bankers and lawyers a bad reputation, which means that the majority deserves such a reputation. In today's column I will try to move from very quick comments to some joking around, at the expense of banks and bankers. In recent weeks, every international bank was mentioned in an item involving a scandal or wrongdoing; at stake are lawsuits and potential fines in the millions of dollars. A number of big banks conspired to impose a lending rate among each other, i.e. an attempt at a monopoly. They did this because they did not want to offer loans at a time the global economic crisis was at its worst, while central bank interest rates did not exceed one percent. This affair will not end well, just as in the case of the international bank that I deal with. It survived the crisis of 2008, and I thought I had made a good choice. Then, a few days ago, a true scandal emerged when the bank was found to have laundered the money of Mexican drug dealers. If this wasn't enough, its former president has become a British government minister, and the Central Bank knew about this matter years ago. Before readers become bored, it is time for some humor. Banks usually tie a pen to employees with a necklace, and the pen is only worth a few pennies, so that the client does not steal it. I recently read that the pen has become more valuable than the bank. If readers go to the bank every day and withdraw money, and spend it like there is no tomorrow, I should caution them: there is a tomorrow. Of course, there is always a man in Oxford Street in London holding a banner saying "the end is nigh." However, he is broke and should not be trusted. The world has changed, and a friend claims that he went to a bank and told the manager that he wanted to discuss a loan, and the manager replied, "Thank you sir, how much can you loan us?" This is like the customer who tried to withdraw a small amount of money from an ATM, and received a piece of paper saying "insufficient funds." This made him wonder if the "insufficient funds" were in his account, or the bank's. Before readers take pity on banks and their owners, amid an ongoing global economic crisis, I should remind them that the definition of bank is "no mercy." It has no soul and there is no punishment, since it has no body that can be beaten. They used to say that a fool and his money are soon parted. Since the person is a fool, I assume that he inherited the money, and did not earn it himself. Moreover, the global crisis has made fools equal to everyone else; today, people and their money are parted, without necessarily having to be fools. Therefore, I understand that if a poll covering 2000 people were conducted, 3000 of them would say they hate banks and bankers. In such a situation, I suggest that readers invest in the tax authorities, because only taxes are going up these days. Naturally, the tax authority is a government firm, and has no shares in the market. It seems to be the only smart entity in the state; it imposes taxes on everything, except for brains, because it knows that the returns would not be enough to pay employees in the "brain tax" department, if such a thing existed. Since I do not have a dime to my name, the financial crisis will not affect me. I began with nothing and have kept this amount. But I have benefited because I now know what LIBOR means: London Interbank Offered Rate (…). Banks are an expression of the art of stealing from people, without using violence. A man with a gun might rob a bank, while a man with a bank can rob the entire world. --- The views expressed by the author do not necessarily represent or reflect the editorial policy of Arabstoday.